Raising daughters to be good women is not always in their best interest. The personality traits that many women are taught to follow make them vulnerable to becoming the wife of a cheater.
Some men specifically look for a good woman that they can fool with their lies. The good woman will provide a stable home and make sure his life runs smoothly. The man knows this type of woman will be easily fooled so he can have a life of freedom to do as he pleases.
Good women have specific common characteristics. She:
- puts a high value on skills that focus on taking care of others,
- has a high desire to be liked and accepted, a pleaser,
- keeps quiet and does not form or voice strong opinions,
- is highly tuned into the social cues that others present,
- ignores times when she is put down or feels abused,
- hides her problems and pretends that everything is just fine,
- wants life to be fair and others to take their turn,
- puts a low value on her skills and work,
- doesn’t spend time on personal growth, avoids change,
- avoids actions or words that could indicate she is being selfish,
- behaves in ways that are honest so that she is trustworthy,
- is faithful and loyal to her husband and family.
Good women are taught that asking for help, criticizing their husband or family and having individual wants and needs is unacceptable. Unfortunately the very traits that create a good woman are also the ones that put her at high risk for being lied to and abused.
Men who cheat know how to romance women by making promises and saying the things they know good women want to hear.
Looking for women who have been taught to be good women knowing that they are easily fooled is the first stage in the process of cheating. These men already know what to say and how to behave so honest trusting women will fall in love with them. They develop a high level of romance and fantasy and are skilled at avoiding being held accountable. They use the same skills on their wife as they use on the women with whom they cheat.
When a man believes that his wife will forgive whatever he does it is like having a free pass to cheat. While he knows his attentive wife will eventually see clues that raise her suspicions he is skilled at shifting the responsibility for his indiscretion back on her so that she will feel guilty. He knows how to create the impression that she is responsible for his bad behavior.
The good woman will scrutinize her own actions and words and accept that the marriage relationship is her responsibility. Since the good woman has been taught to put on a good front, not to ask for help and definitely not to say anything negative about her husband she is left alone, isolated and fearful.
When a good woman discovers evidence that is beyond a doubt that her husband is cheating, he will manipulate her by using language and emotional intensity so that she is left confused and doubts herself. This is called “crazy making.” When women report to their doctors that they are stressed they are often medicated rather than understood and taught self care. Their charming husband is rarely seen as the problem.
Men who cheat do so because they believe that their behavior is acceptable and will achieve their goals. They often are insensitive to other people’s feelings. They do not worry about the impact their behavior has on others. His life is all about him not the woman he is with.
While there are instances where people get into situations where they are seduced into behavior they normally would not see as acceptable the majority of men who cheat on good women do so because they believe they will not be caught and there will not be consequences. Many of these men feel they are too smart to be caught and believe that they can lie their way out of any accusations.
Honest people who want to avoid the pain of being the victim of a cheater must;
- not accept broken promises and lies with repeated forgiveness,
- develop a set of personal values and not tolerate or ignore bad behavior,
- accept responsibility for their own happiness rather than expecting someone else to make them happy,
- know that each person makes choices about their words and actions,
- understand that loving someone won’t change their behavior,
- trust hurt feelings when minimized, ignored or treated badly,
- accept that all people have problems and ask for help when needed,
- understand that not all people play by the same rules,
- take time to grow as a person learning new skills,
- understand that there is good selfishness as in taking care of the self,
- be aware that words and actions must be consistent for honesty,
- admit when conned and trust friends and family for support,
- end a relationship when it is not possible to be authentic.
Keeping careful notes in a personal journal that is secure and private is an important part of learning to trust your Self.
The best chance for a good woman to avoid a cheater is to find a good man. He is identified by the following characteristics. He will:
- have values and morals that he lives by in all areas of his life,
- be committed to solving problems not creating fights,
- enjoy time with friends and family,
- be open and honest about where he’s been and what he’s doing,
- never be flirtatious with other men or women,
- have emotional control and self discipline,
- share common interests and opinions,
- never act in ways that imply he is jealous because he is trusting,
- praise her accomplishments to others,
- share similar goals,
- have interests of his own that he enjoys doing,
- value what is created together.
The cheater will often isolate their victim so supports are not available. Women who live with a cheater are often financially dependent and put a high value on maintaining home and family. Oftentimes these women are highly influenced by religious beliefs. These women lack understanding that they can survive without the addiction to the emotional roller coaster of life with a cheater.
As a survivor of a relationship filled with lies I know there are many reasons to become involved with someone who will cheat. The intensity of the romantic good times and the seduction phase of the abuse keeps the hope alive that maybe this time will be the last.
When I changed my awareness of my strengths and abilities and challenged the learning about the importance of staying in the role of being a good woman I was able to rebuild my life. It has been a difficult journey but the rewards have been amazing!
Dare to be an honest woman even when other people may pressure you to continue being as they want you to be and criticize your changes.
Self care and the support of trusted people are an important part of good mental health. Start your journey NOW!